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| Hi |
I am praying for you.
And no, I can't keep a little of the southern sting out of that phrase. I won't deny that I am furious with you, that I grieve deeply over the evil you are doing to God's precious little ones, or that I blame you for it. All of those things are true.
But also, I really am praying for you.
I have to pray for you, my heart has to break for you, because of what was done to you. And dear one, you will one day be healed. I pray that your healing will begin soon but if not in this life then in the time beyond time you will begin to recover; you will begin to let God love the you you hate today. With so many people it is easy—too easy—for me to see their crimes against us and to hate them for it. I am working on that, but that is not where I am with you.
You, I pity.
I am sure that doesn't feel good to hear—nobody really wants to be pitied—but that is how I feel about you. I know that there is a part of you that wakes up and yearns to be fully who God made you to be. I know that there a part of you that aches like a prisoner unable to fully extend his legs at the knowledge that you "have" to deny this beautiful part of yourself—your precious, glorious, holy queerness—that they taught you to hate.
When you attack us, when you mock, slander, and lie about the most vulnerable among us, I can't help but see the lies and pain that brought you to this state. And I know that I can really only imagine it. I am not a victim of conversion therapy attempts as you once told me you are. I dodged that fate by a hair and by the grace of God; I wish that you could have as well.
A friend of mine asked me what I think about sin recently and I found myself thinking about you. Could there be a clearer example of the tragedy of sin? Who you are in the world today was done to you. In churches we hear about original sin as though it were genetic but why would it need to be genetic when it is in the air that we breathe. Were you ever afforded the simple joy of seeing a beautiful man and not hating yourself for it? I will pray for that for you. You were born into a world that told you to hate yourself; more than that you were born into a world that told you to hate your queerness, to hate the strange spark that God placed in your soul.
I am not here to make excuses for you. You are fully responsible for the choices you make, you didn't have to turn your pain into hatred for all of your queer siblings who don't suffer the same repression you have been conditioned to wear. No, I'm not making excuses for you but I do want you to know that I see you.
I see you.
Not the you who is probably responding to this with a mocking laughter emoji, not the you boiling in fury at the effrontery of it all, not the you who is, even now trying to decide how to use this letter against me or against our shared queer community. I see the you in whom that tiny spark still burns. I see the you who can never be erased, no matter how much it is denied. I see the you whose stubborn seed of hope that maybe, just maybe, I am right and God loves your whole queer self as a whole queer self, is right now being attacked by all the other parts who built emotional systems and psychological structures of resentment, anger, disdain, and hatred in an effort to keep you safe from becoming someone who couldn't survive their attempts to make you into a good little Ex-Gay.
The one time I saw you talk about it you didn't say what methods they used on you. Did they tell you they could make you normal? Did you have one of those rubber bands in your wrist where you snapped yourself a jolt of pain each time you noticed you were staring at a handsome guy? Did they tell you that it is your parents' fault—warmed over pseudo-Freudian platitudes? Did you go to a camp or was it an office?
And I know that the reaction you need to have to this letter is to mock it, to rage, or to fight it. If you see this on Facebook you will probably respond with the laughing react. It makes sense, you have to make this ridiculous so that it doesn't reach you. I understand that this isn't safe to take seriously when I am speaking to a part of yourself that you have protected almost to death now. I know that if you take this even half seriously you will have to confront the immense pain you have caused, and are working to cause, queer children all around this country. I know that, for you, our queerness has to be bad because if it is good, and holy, and beautiful then what does that say about you?
Yeah, sin, like I said. You have taken what has made you needlessly suffer, and where you might have seen it for the sin it was, instead you baptized it, and now you are trying to tear that holy joy away from anyone who is able to experience what was taken from you.
I wish you would repent. I know that one day you will but oh the cost and the pain between now and that day. Until then know that I will oppose you at every step and that I will be doing it for the good of that one eternal spark of real you inside this monster you were convinced to create. You can rage or scoff but one day when our God reveals your true name and all is made well at the end of all things, you will thank God that there were people who worked against your evil ends as the Spirit of Truth worked to fan the queer fire in your soul.
